Do you ever get the feeling that...
Internet Marketing Just Plain Sucks?
Dear Friend,
Don't you just love how everyone calls you friend? (At least everyone trying to sell you something...) I mean, do you even know any of those people out there on the internet? Would you say "hi" to these people if you saw them at a restaurant? Would they call you a "friend" in that case? Are they even your friend on Myspace?
I'm talking about every sales letter I read out there in the world wide web. Promising to solve all your problems, personally identifying with you, using flashy colors, and adding lots of free bonuses if you order today. Exactly like I have done here!
(Hurry! This offer expires tomorrow! Yep, tomorrow. So you better order today! I would put a date, but I can't afford a simple Javascript counter that always sets the deadline as tomorrow's date no matter what day it is.)
I should have highlighted that last paragraph. Highlighting something means it's super important. I wouldn't want you to miss the super important stuff!
What I should do is repeat that, but have it highlighted this time. Hurry! This offer expires tomorrow! Yep, tomorrow. So you better order today! There we go.
Here's why you shouldn't wait till tomorrow:
- The price goes up tomorrow!
- There are special bonuses today!
- Life is uncertain!
- I put a list of cool stuff right here!
So you're probably wondering... why am I doing this? What's with the sales page? Do I happen to have a book about the real way to make money online that's better than anything else out there?
Nope. I just happened to find that the cool domain name internetmarketingsucks.com was available and had to grab it while I could! If I had an ebook, I'd certainly have one of those nifty covers that makes my ebook look like a real, hardcover book. I guess those graphics justify the $67 price for something that costs about 3 cents to make and deliver.
I figured this blog would be a great place to rant about gurus and all the crap that goes on in internet marketing. Some people are great, while others are crooks. (Unfortunately, internet marketing seems to bring out the worst in people.)
Soon you'll be flipping through stacks of $1 bills just like me! All you have to do is read my blog. You won't have to do any work whatsoever!
The part about having to work hard will go in the fine print of my disclaimer. Then you can forget about it since you don't bother with that anyway. Just think happy thoughts about lounging around on your private yacht.
Need proof showing how wealthy I am from my internet marketing career? I might as well show it to you as proof. Or to show off and make myself feel good by putting others down.
Just take a look at this screenshot:
See? That's total proof that I don't make any money by doing internet marketing. I couldn't fake those screenshots even if I had a bootleg copy of Adobe Photoshop!
Hey, did I say this was about internet marketing? That's marketing on the internet. Yeah, I guess I did mention it, but I might as well stuff some keywords in wherever I can. I have hidden text too, but you didn't know that because it's hidden!
Better check your site too - some people regularly hack into other sites and leave inconspicuous text links on random pages! That's right, not only do you have to fly under Google's radar if you are selling text links, but you have to peruse your code to make sure some hacker didn't get some free links in there!
If that's not enough, just read the testimonial below. That will ensure you that other people just like you are getting super rich overnight by reading my blog.
Man, internet marketing sucks, and so do you. I was reading your blog and started laughing! I just couldn't help it. But then I saw 50 cents in my Adsense account, and I realized you are a genious!
Rich Dude
Tampa, FL
That should settle things. Anyone named "Rich Dude" must be rich.
Thanks for reading,
Sucker
Disgruntled Webmaster behind internetmarketingsucks.com
Read the blog for all my rants!
P.S. I forgot to tell you how great this website is! There's even an unconditional, lifetime money-back guarantee. If for any reason you do not like this website, I will immediately refund all of the money you have paid me! No questions asked!
The guarantee lasts a lifetime so you can wait a while before requesting a refund - that way, I'll have already retired to my own island in the Bahamas. Good luck finding me then!
P.P.S If you order in the next 10 minutes, I'll throw in some super-sized bonuses with a total value of $3,447! Even though my product costs you $0! Now that is a deal!
*Please note I am not actually selling anything, not even a stupid ebook. There aren't actually any bonuses or a guarantee, either.
**And while I do plan to provide valuable knowledge in my rants, I'll throw in humor, sarcasm, and a lot of product bashing, just like I have done here. These are my opinions. If the site offends you, just leave.
So... Read the blog for all my rants!